Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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