Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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