I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
