I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
