Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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