What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I want to fling myself into the sun
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
