I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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