Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
