God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
