Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
