i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
