Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
