I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Damn victory sex feels great
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
