Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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