I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
