I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
