Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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