She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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