Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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