Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
