Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
