i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
