Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
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She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
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We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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