Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
