I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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