So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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