Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
what is it with giant penises always finding me
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
