would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
