I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Randomize
