Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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