i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
