dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
