Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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