Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
