there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
