textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
