I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
