I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
