I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
