I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
