I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So many bounce houses so little time
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
