Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
