Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
