tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just googled if crying burns calories
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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