i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
