the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just invented taco cereal.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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