She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
