dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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