just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
