You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
