no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
