I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
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I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.