Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
