you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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