mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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