We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
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I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
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Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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