So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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