so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My balls are so social today.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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