I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Bring me that man meat
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
