Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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