i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.