Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.