Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
